Even if the Healing Doesn’t Come

Yes, I fell apart, crumbling at the door, and I sobbed for hours. How incredibly loving he was to realize he may not be able to get my favorite flowers for me, and to ask his hospice nurse to arrange it for him.

by Carol Sokolsky

Today, April 19, is my wedding anniversary.  It will always be a bittersweet day.  For five years I’ve celebrated alone while, I like to think, my husband Sid is celebrating in heaven!

Five years ago today, exactly twelve days after Sid walked into heaven, two dozen perfect, long stemmed yellow roses were delivered to my door.  Yes, I fell apart, crumbling at the door, and I sobbed for hours. How incredibly loving he was to realize he may not be able to get my favorite flowers for me, and to ask his hospice nurse to arrange it for him. Half of those roses are now freeze-dried and preserved under glass on my bedroom wall. If the house ever burns, they go with me.

Those yellow roses often make me wonder what might have been if Sid had been healed. I try not to let ‘what if’ thoughts have a place in my heart and mind, and I do my best to live in today —not yesterday or tomorrow — for today is all I have. I’m making progress.

As I celebrate that crazy, silly, brilliant, loving man, I want to share the lyrics to a song. Regardless of what I wish would be — or could be — different here, these words help keep me focused on God’s promise: that Sid is healed and at home in heaven.  I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt. At the very moment he walked into heaven, he was eternally healed.  I know that God is good and forever faithful, even when the outcome here isn’t what we want. Sometimes, I just need to be reminded, too.

So today I celebrate the true healing of Sid, the man I will love longer than forever….

Even If
by Kutless 

Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are
Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise
You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You

Even if the healing doesn’t come
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Carol Sokolsky has written previously about her love for yellow roses, which is one of her three favorite things.  She loves to write about life…it’s just part of her heart and her healing. Originally from Indiana, she spent her career years in Pittsburgh, PA, where her son again resides. Over the years, her mom and son lived in Tulsa, so it’s been her ‘heart-home’ for many years…and now it’s just the place she loves to call ‘Home’.