I’m a Control Freak

I wonder if he had a split second of panic—I know I would have—but I don’t think he did.

By Carol Sokolsky

I think about Abraham, when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac. Oh my goodness, what incredible faith Old Abe must have had, sacrificing his only son, and he was willing because God asked him to do so. I wonder if he had a split second of panic—I know I would have—but I don’t think he did. He just knew that God was in total control and was willing to let go of Isaac, just because God told him to do so. Holy cow! Who has faith like that, I wonder… I wish I did. 

I have two sons: my older son and my husband live in heaven with Jesus. My younger son lives in Pittsburgh. I sometimes feel anxious and fearful about what would happen if anything would happen to my earthly son. He would be the hardest for me to ever give up. It’s not like he’s a child anymore. He’s an able–bodied, adult man but I still struggle with fear, because—well, just simply because.

Many years ago I learned how to “control” situations from the time he was very young. Ha, such a joke it is. But yes, as long as I felt in control, I knew life would be good… until it wasn’t… and it wasn’t, over and over again. And still I felt the need to control what was impossible to do.

Details really aren’t important, not at all. Just safe to know that I still work on “letting go” almost every day of my life. For me, letting go isn’t easy, trust me… I’m so proud of the man my son has become. He struggled—we struggled—for sure, but who doesn’t struggle along the way? Our little family, the two of us, often lean way too heavily on the other, and sometimes that ugly control button lights up and I push it, much to my dismay later. I shake my head, wondering what I was thinking and why I thought I could control anything.

A dear friend of mine knew my struggles and, quite awhile back, sent me this poem. I have no idea who wrote these words, so I can’t give the author credit. So I’ll just say that these anonymous words, titled “Trust Me with Your Isaac,” rocked and changed my world. I substituted the name Isaac with my son’s name, and I have read this every morning for at least two years. Yes, I can be a slow learner. But for anyone that is struggling to “let go” of anything that is holding you captive, I give you this gift as it was given to me. As I read and understood what God was saying to me, I was finally able to trust, release and let go—usually. I’m a work in progress…         

“TRUST ME WITH YOUR ISAAC”

For every Abraham who dares
to kiss the foreign field
where glory for a moment grasped
is for a lifetime tilled…

The voice of God
speaks not but once
but ’til the traveler hears
“Abraham! Abraham! Bring your
Isaac here!” 

“Bring not your blemished sacrifice.
What loves thou the most?
Look not into the distance,
You’ll find your Isaac close.” 

“I hear the tearing of your heart
torn between two loves,
the one your vision can behold
The other hid above.” 

“Do you trust me, Abraham
With your gravest fear?
Will you pry your fingers loose
And bring your Isaac here?”

“Have not I made you promises?
Hold them tight instead!
I am the Lover of your soul—
The Lifter of your head.”

“Have not I made you promises?
Hold them tight instead!
I am the Lover over your soul—
The Lifter of your head.” 

‘Believe me, O my Abraham
When blinded by the cost.
Arrange the wooden altar
And count your gains but loss.”

“Let tears wash clean your blinded eyes
until unveiled you see—
the ram caught in the thicket there
To set your Isaac free.”

“Perhaps I’ll send him down the mount
to walk right by your side
No longer in your iron grasp
But safer still in mine.” 

“Or I may wrap him in the wind
and sweep him from your sight
to better things beyond your reach—
Believe with all your might!” 

“Look up, beloved Abraham.
Can you count the stars?
Multitudes will stand to reap
From one dear friend of God.” 

“Pass the test, my faithful one;
Bow to me as Lord.
Trust me with your Isaac—
See, I am your great Reward.

—Anonymous

Carol Sokolsky is a recovering control freak who for years has worked on letting go! She loves volunteering at Eugene Field Elementary with Reading Partners and Bible Kids Club and especially writing for the918. She’s a mentor for Women in Recovery and serves as president of her homeowner’s association. She has no time to be a control freak and for that, she’s very thankful!