by Carol Sokolsky
Waiting on what, I wonder. Somehow, I’ve been stuck. Stuck in a place I’m not sure how to accept, explain or comprehend. I have reread many of my own words written over the past few years, and I can vividly see how God held my heart, led me specifically, and loved me ridiculously… beyond anything I could even imagine. Oh, how I want to feel again. I want to live with abandon again. And yet, here I sit, coffee in hand, still wondering if anything in my life really matters or makes a difference. Pity party on steroids.
And yes, I know those feelings are coming straight at me from that roaring lion trying to devour me. Good thing I know the ultimate lion tamer—maybe poor choice of words. Yet, God has allowed me to experience the wilderness for a while. So, as I search my heart, my life, my very soul, to understand where on earth I belong, I wonder what God has been trying to teach me in the waiting season.
I asked God to help me grow, it started raining…
Fear can sometimes paralyze me. I don’t even realize it, but it is truly fear. Fear of not being good enough, fear of being alone, fear of not serving others well enough, just to name a few.
Fear can keep me up at night, and it does sometimes. Not physical fear… but fear of my heart never healing, fear of loneliness and loss, fear of measuring up in my various roles. Do I even matter or make a difference?… Fear of failure… Fear is such a liar.
What on earth brought me to this place and dear Lord, when will you ever lead me out?
Changes… so many life changes in the past few years. Several by choice and several out of my control. Yet, as much as I hate to admit it, those circumstances caused me to grow. Dramatically. Some through horrible rain storms and some through severe drought. Parts of me are #foreverchanged, and yet parts of me are still floundering.
Every morning I ask God to lead my future, wherever it takes me. I still don’t know where, or what, or maybe even who that will include, but I’ve recently had part of that prayer answered as my heart seems to be beating and truly happy, and I’m not so fearful anymore about truly living again. Maybe I just needed some time to adjust to a new city, a completely new environment, and the realization that what I used to think defined me doesn’t really matter anymore. I’m now just me, untethered from a career and learning that life can still be beautiful and satisfying even if my life’s blueprint didn’t quite pan out as I hoped. But whose ever truly does
A couple years ago, I found the following words on a travel mug, of all places, and immediately decided those words were written just for me. How could they not? The mug said: “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out— plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” It’s Jeremiah 29:11, which became my life verse, and yes, I bought the coffee mug.
When I asked God to help me grow, it started raining. Though it’s still raining, I see a gorgeous rainbow in the distance, and I’m reminded again of the verse on my travel mug. I’m thinking this is the beginning of the walk out of the wilderness.
Carol Sokolsky is passionate about being the best she can be… in whatever place God plants her. She is blessed with an incredible family, including her bonus family that she considers her own. Carol is a regular contributing writer for the918, loves to share life with her readers, and truly enjoys the feedback she receives. If you want to connect with Carol, you can find her on Facebook as Carol Sprunger Sokolsky, and on Instagram as @Sokocarden. She’d love to hear your story and how the918 has made a difference. firstname.lastname@example.org.